An Extra Surprise

  Hi Carter! I’m your mom. I started writing blogs for your older sister, Grace, when she was born. I continued the tradition with your other two siblings as well. So here we are, because, Carter you are one of us and we love you so much. 

I have to say my pregnancy with you was the VERY best. I was able to work out 5 times a week the entire pregnancy. I stopped working out four days before you came. I am SO grateful that I was able to do that. It made me strong. I always joked that you would come out looking like a Greek God because I became so strong while I was pregnant with you and I also craved Kalamata Olives which convinced me even more that you’d be a Greek God. We joked about changing your name to Zeus or Apollo. I imagined you'd have thick curly dark hair and big blue eyes, dimples of course like your dad and big brother, tan skin and the longest eyelashes around. But you didn’t. 

I had been pulling weeds the day before you came. The garden in the front of the house had gotten out of control and I decided at 38 weeks pregnant I was going to weed! I did a pretty dang good job and even took your brother Will on a walk when I was done. The next morning Will and I went to the dollar store to get some summer activities. I remember feeling different in the store, the contractions that I had basically my whole pregnancy felt different. They were hurting more and feeling like a cramp. I called your dad on the way home and told him that I thought I might be going into labor. I didn’t really believe it though. After all, on paper I was 37.5 weeks. In my book I was 39 weeks.

We packed up Will’s stuff and took him to grandmas and headed to the hospital. I had this feeling to get my bag and your bag packed  few days earlier. I had a feeling you’d come earlier than expected. 

The nurse checked me and confirmed I was dilated to a 4. She told me that if I had progressed in an hour they would admit me and I would be having a baby that day! I don’t really remember what I did during that hour but I felt so much excitement. I was finally going to meet you, my little Apollo! The nurse came back, checked, this time a solid 5 almost 6! Let’s have a baby she said! 

Due to some previous birth complications I had to have a c section. I had one with your sister, Ella, but it had been 6 years since then. I was nervous and calm all at the same time. I knew everything would be okay. Your dad and I gowned up and got all ready to meet you. We couldn’t wait! 

The nurses, doctor, and anesthesiologist were so kind and made everything feel safe and calm. After the spinal block was administered they let your dad come in. He grabbed my hand and I felt completely ready. I remember someone telling me that once I felt a lot of tugging it meant that they were pushing the baby down and that would be the last part of the delivery and you’d be here! It went quick. I started to feel the tugging and looked at your dad, “he’s coming, he’s almost here!” 

Crying. You were here! They lifted you up so dad could take pictures of you, I was trying to see you but I couldn’t. I was so excited to meet you. Then they brought you to me. All wrapped up with a little cap and pink little cheeks. I remember the soft warm feeling of your cheek against mine. I didn’t get much time with you since your blood sugar was really low and you had to be rushed off to the NICU. Little did I know that would become your permanent home for quite some time. 

Sam came back by my side while they were stitching me up. “Do you have pictures of him?” I asked. He started to show me pictures of you. I was confused. You didn’t look anything like what I had imagined. You didn’t look like Apollo, or Will. I remember asking your dad why does he look like that? My first thought was does he have Down syndrome. I quickly dismissed it because it couldn’t be true. 

They took me up to my room while they took your dad to be with you in the NICU. Those moments after having a baby are so special, so unique. I sat silently, while the nurse checked to make sure everything was good. No baby. No husband. No answers. I kept thinking to myself, why does he look like that? I scrolled through pictures of my phone looking at your three siblings when they were born to see if you looked like any of them. Not really…

Dad came back from being with you. I immediately bombarded him with questions. Why is he in the NICU? How long will he be there? What’s wrong with him? What about his blood sugar. Why does he look different? Then he said the words I had feared. They think he might have Down syndrome. 

What? Why? How do they know that? I began to cry. Not because I didn’t want you or loved you, but because this was different than what I expected. I felt inadequate. I felt like God had got it wrong. He has some physical characteristics that point to it. Distinguishable crease on the hand, gap between the big toe and next toe, ears lower down on the head, almond shape eyes. My eyes are almond shape! I said, “That doesn’t mean anything.” Your dad tried his best to answer my questions and calm me. He might not have it, he said. But I knew, I knew deep down in my heart that they were right. 

Flashback to when I was younger. I was called to be a counselor for the special needs mutual. What an amazing experience it was. I remember after that experience having a feeling that one day I would raise a special needs child. This thought came to my mind several more times throughout my life. In some ways I feel like god had been preparing me for quite some time. I didn’t feel ready though. 

302. Will always be a special number. It was the number of the room I spent 4 days in while I “healed” from my c section. It was a safe place. Only your dad and I were there. People came and Went, but the room stayed the same. It was nice being close to you and being able to visit you at the NICU whenever we wanted. To be honest it was nice to not have you too. I didn’t feel ready, capable or prepared to take all of the new on. It was nice knowing that you were safe and well cared for in the NICU. It gave me time to start the healing process. The grieving process. I don’t think your dad has ever cried more in his life than he did those four days in the hospital. He talked to so many people on the phone who lifted him up, cried with him. And told him that everything would be okay. I wasn’t ready to talk. I wanted to stay safe and comfortable in room 302. Reality didn’t have to be faced while I was in there. 

Those four days were special times for your dad and I. We were able to grieve together as well as grow together. It’s like we went into the hospital as two completely different people. That was our old life. We had a new life now. Not a bad new life just a different new life. Someone told me it’s like going on a trip to Italy, you always wanted to go to Italy, a bucket list event. While you’re on the plane, the pilot gets on and welcomes you to Holland. What?! But I wanted to go to Italy. Don’t worry the pilot assures you, Holland is different but it is just as beautiful. I still have lots of moments where I want to still be in Italy. But I know that Holland will become just as beautiful. 

The days in the hospital seem like a daze but I want to remember it all. The delicious salmon salad I had for every meal, the constant buzz of HGTV on in the background, your sweet dad sitting in his little corner researching all the things about downs, all the things that you’ll need. We wanted to give you the world. Sweet Rachel, my nurse, who became my best friend while there, she talked forever but I needed it more than I knew. The day the girls came and visited. Oh my heart. That was the best day. They were my little nurses. Ella, of course, asked all the questions, she was very intrigued by my catheter bag as well. The sweetest big sisters. I’m sad that they weren’t able to see you in the hospital. We told them that you had downs that day. Ella didn’t really understand, she was too distracted by all the buttons, but Grace did and she was so sweet. She said that when Sam and I get too old to take care of you she’ll take care of you. It melted our hearts. You have so many people on your team Carter. The shower in 302 became a safe place for me, I had my best cry in that shower. Your dad came in and held my hand and helped me wash my body, since I could hardly move. It was a humbling time. I love your dad so much. He is such a good man. If you grow up to be like him, you’ll be set for life. 

The nurses and staff that took care of us those four days will forever be in my heart. Sweet Jen the best NICU ped doctor around. She was there to give us the tri 21 diagnosis and was there to explain it all. She was one of your biggest fans. She was constantly cheering you on and completely putting our fears at ease. She was god sent no doubt about that. Angela, Amber, Tracy, just a few of the incredible nurses who took care of you while you were in the NICU. Such amazing women, who sacrifice their “normal” lives to keep sweet babies like you alive. 

After four days, it was time for your dad and I to go. It was the Fourth of July. Sadly, you would not be coming home with us. Such a weird day, going home without a baby and still a very heavy heart. We stopped at the pharmacy to pick up my drugs and then we picked up Sweet Will. It felt like forever since we had him. Flashback to before this all happened.  We thought we’d be coming home with a baby boy, a best friend for Will, when the girls were gone. Two perfect boys. It turned out different than I was hoping, but I knew one day I would still feel like it was perfect. I knew one day, Holland would be my absolute favorite and I would be so grateful we went to Holland instead of Italy.